I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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