Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
