dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
