Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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