Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
