i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize