Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
