Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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