What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Who died my cat blue again?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
