if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
