Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
