White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
