jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
