dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
