I CAN MOONWALK!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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