I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Alive.
So much puke
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
