Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
