Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
