my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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