I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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