walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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