I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
