My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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