All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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