dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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