1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
