right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
