There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
