Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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