How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
