Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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