btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
