I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
