can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
