Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
