Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
