you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
