So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
