I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
