Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
