i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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