I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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