when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
