My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
