i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
