After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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