He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
