Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
