Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
