I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
