My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
