Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
jump out the window naked night went bad
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
