I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
