what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
