I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
