I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
