I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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