He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
