I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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