i don't like sucking hair
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
